3.01.2005
I...... AM..... BACK...
Its a funny thing, this world, With its Ups and Sideways ways, and theres no way to really predict where its heading because its all so very jumbled.
the last time i wrote in this terrible excuse for attention i was someone distinctly different. there was a hint of Emily somewhere deep down inside of everything I said, but transcending all was bullshit. I reached, at some point, the heavy realization that *GASP* I had created a comfortable lie for myself. A place i could lay around in, feeling like shit, but at least it was a feeling. and every once in a while I'd look around and say 'WOWWWWWW.. THIS ISNT EVERYTHING' I'd get a glimpse of the truth of beauty, the truth that beauty is in everyone, even me. i KNEW i was sheltering myself from wonderful things, but I was cozy and i was happy in my discontent.
Things have changed, my steady readers, things have changed.
I moved away from my first home, my family home, my family, my school, my island, my bedroom. my free food, my washer and dryer, my dear dear friends. I LEFT. and I thought: I am done being tired and bored. I thought: I am changing schools. I am changing lives, I am exchanging old for new and familiar for adventure. I thought: I am beginning.
For awhile, there was an impedement. there was this feeling that I couldnt be bold, and I couldnt, simply couldn't slip out of my place in the world and float around. I was scared of people, because i Hadn't really had to talk to them before and i was scared of the future. I was still attatched to my old self because i had left some really important stuff behind. That stuff consisted of feelings and a mystery.
the mystery was a boy who never made sense. I could think and think and think, and come up with some conclusion about just about anything- space, time, depression, happiness... But Not.... NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT Mark Carter. He was wonder. I could look at him and see compatability but not a way to it. There was a block, a heavy, painful block. He was untouchable to me and no matter how long we talked, how many times we laughed and shared just about everything we couldnt break it. THEN it was christmas. I was home for the holidays. and ALLLLL of a sudden... i got some news. and the news changed everything. it turned depression into uncontrolable giggling and not being able to breathe or have a heartbeat of anykind for days. It turns out that I was a mystery to him, too, and the mystery, my humble observer, was actually love. Yes, the man who I had watched for 2 years... totally convinced that I was a nothing.... had been watching me the whole time, waiting for me to just LOOK.
so here we are now, and my last mysteries have been solved, and the world is so very far from being scary. The World IS A Beautiful Place To Be Born Into, like Lawrence Ferlinghetti said... all along the druggy beat poet was right, how teriffic.
and that, my friends, my dearest, dearest friends, who will probebly never ever read this.... is the end of something, and the beginning of something else, something much more exciting than moving or leaving or changing... its the beginning of life.
loooooove, emily.
Its a funny thing, this world, With its Ups and Sideways ways, and theres no way to really predict where its heading because its all so very jumbled.
the last time i wrote in this terrible excuse for attention i was someone distinctly different. there was a hint of Emily somewhere deep down inside of everything I said, but transcending all was bullshit. I reached, at some point, the heavy realization that *GASP* I had created a comfortable lie for myself. A place i could lay around in, feeling like shit, but at least it was a feeling. and every once in a while I'd look around and say 'WOWWWWWW.. THIS ISNT EVERYTHING' I'd get a glimpse of the truth of beauty, the truth that beauty is in everyone, even me. i KNEW i was sheltering myself from wonderful things, but I was cozy and i was happy in my discontent.
Things have changed, my steady readers, things have changed.
I moved away from my first home, my family home, my family, my school, my island, my bedroom. my free food, my washer and dryer, my dear dear friends. I LEFT. and I thought: I am done being tired and bored. I thought: I am changing schools. I am changing lives, I am exchanging old for new and familiar for adventure. I thought: I am beginning.
For awhile, there was an impedement. there was this feeling that I couldnt be bold, and I couldnt, simply couldn't slip out of my place in the world and float around. I was scared of people, because i Hadn't really had to talk to them before and i was scared of the future. I was still attatched to my old self because i had left some really important stuff behind. That stuff consisted of feelings and a mystery.
the mystery was a boy who never made sense. I could think and think and think, and come up with some conclusion about just about anything- space, time, depression, happiness... But Not.... NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT Mark Carter. He was wonder. I could look at him and see compatability but not a way to it. There was a block, a heavy, painful block. He was untouchable to me and no matter how long we talked, how many times we laughed and shared just about everything we couldnt break it. THEN it was christmas. I was home for the holidays. and ALLLLL of a sudden... i got some news. and the news changed everything. it turned depression into uncontrolable giggling and not being able to breathe or have a heartbeat of anykind for days. It turns out that I was a mystery to him, too, and the mystery, my humble observer, was actually love. Yes, the man who I had watched for 2 years... totally convinced that I was a nothing.... had been watching me the whole time, waiting for me to just LOOK.
so here we are now, and my last mysteries have been solved, and the world is so very far from being scary. The World IS A Beautiful Place To Be Born Into, like Lawrence Ferlinghetti said... all along the druggy beat poet was right, how teriffic.
and that, my friends, my dearest, dearest friends, who will probebly never ever read this.... is the end of something, and the beginning of something else, something much more exciting than moving or leaving or changing... its the beginning of life.
loooooove, emily.
4.05.2004
time to write about life.
i went to a party on friday with the band and got super drunk. we drank for like 4 hours strait and everyone watched porn.. a lot of porn. I chilled with Mary (the bands rad roadie) most of the night, we chilled in a hallway for a long time telling random people that we were professers from Brown and talking about how a particular hole got in the wall... we figured out that it must have been an enraged bird merchant with a base ball bat on a camel. i mean, what else could it be? anyway, some other things happened which i shant go in to and when i woke up there was an empty keg in the front seat of my car. very nice.
So the first gig im playing in is on April 24th at the Bath skate park... im pretty excited, finally a ska band to play in, wee oh wee. we have a show in Bangor on May 7th with Scary Mary, too. i think you should go, whoever you are.
i hallucinated today. it wasnt drug induced... i think it was actually from extreme exhaustion, but whatever it was it was pretty sweet. My eyes were open and everything, but i was seeing crazy crazy things. I was laying in bed, watching these multi-colored ballon animals walking across my ceiling. Than they started jumping on me like a trampoline, the pink pig was the largest and it was the most alive... it just got cooler from there but i cant remember alot of it. It was an amazing feeling, though... like i was seeing all this stuff that is always there, i just cant usually connect to it. time from shrooms i think... deffinetly time for less pot. i hate feeling like a moron and forgetting shit all the time.
im in love with many people, but not in the 'SPECIAL, i love you and want to see you all the time and i know you want to see me too' kind of way. i miss the special kind of way oh- so much. i say 'miss'... but i guess i havent really experienced it very much. arrrrrrrrrrrr
i love you,
emily.
i went to a party on friday with the band and got super drunk. we drank for like 4 hours strait and everyone watched porn.. a lot of porn. I chilled with Mary (the bands rad roadie) most of the night, we chilled in a hallway for a long time telling random people that we were professers from Brown and talking about how a particular hole got in the wall... we figured out that it must have been an enraged bird merchant with a base ball bat on a camel. i mean, what else could it be? anyway, some other things happened which i shant go in to and when i woke up there was an empty keg in the front seat of my car. very nice.
So the first gig im playing in is on April 24th at the Bath skate park... im pretty excited, finally a ska band to play in, wee oh wee. we have a show in Bangor on May 7th with Scary Mary, too. i think you should go, whoever you are.
i hallucinated today. it wasnt drug induced... i think it was actually from extreme exhaustion, but whatever it was it was pretty sweet. My eyes were open and everything, but i was seeing crazy crazy things. I was laying in bed, watching these multi-colored ballon animals walking across my ceiling. Than they started jumping on me like a trampoline, the pink pig was the largest and it was the most alive... it just got cooler from there but i cant remember alot of it. It was an amazing feeling, though... like i was seeing all this stuff that is always there, i just cant usually connect to it. time from shrooms i think... deffinetly time for less pot. i hate feeling like a moron and forgetting shit all the time.
im in love with many people, but not in the 'SPECIAL, i love you and want to see you all the time and i know you want to see me too' kind of way. i miss the special kind of way oh- so much. i say 'miss'... but i guess i havent really experienced it very much. arrrrrrrrrrrr
i love you,
emily.
2.28.2004
there is no happiness in this, is there? even if there is it would never be attracted to me.
i hate bad highs and shitty realizations. weird how shitty realizations always seem so much more real than nice ones do. wierd.
i hate that i dont even know my friends, and that they dont know me. I have nothing to show them. and i guess everyone with substance can see that im empty.
.FUCK.THIS.ALL.
it had been a long time since i had cried because i hate myself.
-emily.
i hate bad highs and shitty realizations. weird how shitty realizations always seem so much more real than nice ones do. wierd.
i hate that i dont even know my friends, and that they dont know me. I have nothing to show them. and i guess everyone with substance can see that im empty.
.FUCK.THIS.ALL.
it had been a long time since i had cried because i hate myself.
-emily.
2.25.2004
Riah is haiR backwards, did you know? i am riah. and i have thick hair. do you see the connection? wierddddd.
speaking of riah... im not going back to camp this year, after 3 years. its so crazy, its given me so much. Zukie and steve and eric and robyn and sam and jeagar and sarah and nello and josh and EVERYONE... i can't even believe it. mullets, ska, hair, pleasure management, spirituality, relationships, washing machines, beauty... i've learned alot. MAINE JAZZ CAMP! ALL THE WAY! Oh and MUSIC! crazy. i miss everyone and everything about it. i guess its just another change in life, though.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove??? perhaps?
-emily.
speaking of riah... im not going back to camp this year, after 3 years. its so crazy, its given me so much. Zukie and steve and eric and robyn and sam and jeagar and sarah and nello and josh and EVERYONE... i can't even believe it. mullets, ska, hair, pleasure management, spirituality, relationships, washing machines, beauty... i've learned alot. MAINE JAZZ CAMP! ALL THE WAY! Oh and MUSIC! crazy. i miss everyone and everything about it. i guess its just another change in life, though.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove??? perhaps?
-emily.
2.20.2004
i guess its been a while since i've written anything of substance. this is shit. i am too. its so dumb. i try and try and try to express myself and all i come up with is stuff that i feel no conncetion to at all. maybe i should just stop trying, maybe expression isn't really that important. its kind of vain, if you think about it. like bragging to everyone what you have inside, i hate it. maybe thats because i dont really want anyone to know what i have. WHAT THE HELL i dont know what i have.
theres this movie called GHOST WORLD, its based on a comic book, i guess. and its about this girl who finished high school and realizes that she only knows what she hates. and shes firm in these hates. but she doesnt have any clue what to love. i feel like that.. or maybe like what i love itsn't real, and its all just inside of me.
once, in DC, i saw this guy on the streets, using buckets for drums and playing for pocket change. HOW SAD, i thought, IF HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE THE DRUMS.
i need spring and the static of fresh air.
-emily
theres this movie called GHOST WORLD, its based on a comic book, i guess. and its about this girl who finished high school and realizes that she only knows what she hates. and shes firm in these hates. but she doesnt have any clue what to love. i feel like that.. or maybe like what i love itsn't real, and its all just inside of me.
once, in DC, i saw this guy on the streets, using buckets for drums and playing for pocket change. HOW SAD, i thought, IF HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE THE DRUMS.
i need spring and the static of fresh air.
-emily
2.11.2004
sooo tonight Cindy and i agreed that everything is stupid.
there were all these people everywhere being angry about sports and than standing for the national anthem with no regret (bombs bursting in air... how patriotic) and thats fine. I just dont understand it, hence i think its stupid. I dont understand why everyone is so content doing things that i think are boring and stupid, am i really that different?
-emily
there were all these people everywhere being angry about sports and than standing for the national anthem with no regret (bombs bursting in air... how patriotic) and thats fine. I just dont understand it, hence i think its stupid. I dont understand why everyone is so content doing things that i think are boring and stupid, am i really that different?
-emily
2.06.2004
So surreal
said the temporarily tatooed shallowgirl.
give it a week,
it will go away.
how surreal
in the simple sadness of it.
they lose it, i lose it.
give it a week for the
disgust of it to sink in,
for the little wonder pool to dry up
and all the little creatures become
sun baked carcasses.
time to move on
and explain it all away
time to move on to a deeper puddle
with more time on its clock.
and more hope for finding a cure for evaporation,
til my sun burns out and im gone.
what surrealism,
for this day and age,
of wrinkle minimizing facial cream
and nuclear bombs....
we've learned to take the easy way out,
to underanalize and
over componsate,
how very scientific.
said the temporarily tatooed shallowgirl.
give it a week,
it will go away.
how surreal
in the simple sadness of it.
they lose it, i lose it.
give it a week for the
disgust of it to sink in,
for the little wonder pool to dry up
and all the little creatures become
sun baked carcasses.
time to move on
and explain it all away
time to move on to a deeper puddle
with more time on its clock.
and more hope for finding a cure for evaporation,
til my sun burns out and im gone.
what surrealism,
for this day and age,
of wrinkle minimizing facial cream
and nuclear bombs....
we've learned to take the easy way out,
to underanalize and
over componsate,
how very scientific.
" i cant say anything that i haven't thought before"
^completely right^.
Im so bored in my mind.
^completely right^.
Im so bored in my mind.
